You may have heard the phrase “Most managers hire for skills, but fire for character.” This post is dedicated to helping you balance out your hiring process. You can learn a lot by reviewing a candidate’s resume, but it will never give you one of the most important pieces of information that you need to make the best hiring decision. Many interviewers and hiring committees screen for technical competence and culture fit, but few dig deep enough to discern whether the candidate possesses a high level of integrity. Mostly, interviewers neglect to do it because it is difficult to screen for. But it be done. Warren Buffett said, “In looking for people to hire, you look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence and energy. And if they don’t have the first, the other two will kill you.” Here are some tips to help ensure that you make the most informed hiring decision:

Craft Interview Scenario Questions
Using questions that require your candidate to think about what they would do in a particular situation will give you valuable insight into their judgment, values and integrity and where they stand in terms of critical thinking skills. Devise questions that will allow you to take a peek into the person’s level of integrity. Begin by thinking about issues surrounding honesty, dependability, and trustworthiness that have arisen in the past and ask your candidate what they would do given the same circumstances.

For example, you might ask questions like:

• Suppose that you’ve committed to deliver your piece of a project to your project team leader by Friday. But, on Wednesday you start to sense that you may not be able to deliver your component on time. What would you do?
• When making client commitments and commitments to co-workers, what measures do you take to ensure that you are able to meet their expectations?
• What do you do if you are unable to fulfill on a promise that you made to a client?

Here are some other sample interview questions suggested by the Integrity Training Institute:

• What about your character makes you a good candidate for this job?
• How have you responded in the past when you found another employee was stealing or being untruthful?
• Two hours before you are scheduled to arrive at work, you learn weather is going to be bad and traffic will be worse. How do you respond?
• Have you ever suffered for doing what is right? Any regrets? Why were you willing to suffer loss for that?

Consider Administering a Pre-Employment Assessment

Consider administering a pre-employment survey that screens for integrity. You may already give your candidates assessments during the interview process, but chances are that they are either personality or skills assessments. There are some surveys or assessments that are designed specifically to look for character qualities. For example, The Assessment Specialists Inc. offers a report called the Integrity/Work Ethic Report which is designed to screen for traits including integrity, work ethic and reliability.

Another option is to administer our Leadership Attributes Evaluation. We have designed a revealing self-evaluation tool that you can use to gain insight into various key character qualities that are important to you. We use it as part of our performance evaluation process, but it is also a key component of the recruiting process It includes twenty attributes by which your candidate will rate themselves on.

The results are extremely telling. While you will hope to see fairly high scores across the board, you should expect that if the person is being honest in their self-assessment, there should typically be some characteristics that are in need of strengthening and improvement. Low scores in certain attributes should raise a definite red flag, while it may not be as concerning if they rate themselves low in terms of others. For example, if your candidate rates themselves low in terms of compassion, this may not be a deal breaker, but if they rate themselves low in honesty, this should raise a huge red flag even if they are highly competent technically. On the other hand, you might also raise a skeptical eye if your candidate rates themself top scores on every single attribute. This may indicate that they are not being honest in their self-assessment or they may lack self-insight about their strengths and areas of development. You can access a copy of the Leadership Attributes Assessment by clicking here.

How do you qualify for character during the hiring process? Do you have any favorite interview or reference checking questions that you ask? Please feel free to share them by posting a comment. We would love to hear your ideas! Please also post any questions that you may still have about selecting the “right” candidate for your firm.

Best regards,
Michelle

*Remember, before implementing any hiring, interview or reference checking procedure, please consult with your attorney and the labor laws in your state.

I’ve written on a few occasions regarding people management because I feel strongly that a supervisor’s approach to their staff relationships makes all the difference in their employees’ job satisfaction, career progression, and ultimately with the amount of turnover the firm experiences.  The cost to replace an employee is 1.5 to 2 times their salary, so improving management skills, which will boost morale and retention, is also profitable for the firm!  While many of us were not born to manage people, if we have an interest in being a good manager and want to enhance on our abilities, many people management skills can be taught and learned!

Here are a few starting places for anyone who manages others:

“Own” employee management – top to bottom.  When we talk about “ownership,” it means being completely responsible for the outcome – good or bad – for the “thing” you own.  With regard to employee management, this includes performance management (quarterly meetings or as situations arise, ideally), career guidance, goal-setting, and day-to-day assistance as required.  Your role as manager is to help your employees succeed to the best of their ability in their role.  This may seem daunting, but when you truly strive to do well as a manager and treat your employees with the respect and care they desire, they will reward you with their best effort, too!

Set expectations upfront.  When your team doesn’t know what is expected of them, they have no choice but to “make up” the rules.  Strive to communicate clearly and precisely (not “soon” but “by Tuesday”).  If they aren’t meeting your expectations in a certain area or areas, have a gut check first to discern whether or not you made your expectations clear to them.  Give your employees the benefit of the doubt and think of “hopeful” interpretations to a performance management issue.  My colleague, Tamera Loerzel, wrote a great blog on the “expectation, observation, inquiry, stop” method for performance management.  This method is one effective tool you can employ for better managing your people.  Remember to give yourself the freedom to be imperfect as you learn to implement new rules, too!

Be honest now. Along those same lines, it’s important for managers to be honest with their employees and have conversations about their concerns – versus a common mistake of avoiding “hard” conversations and simply giving up on the employee without gaining the complete picture.  Many issues can be cleared up with a simple conversation and may not need to be escalated or “blown up” in your mind.  Your goal is to come from a genuine care for the best outcome for the individual and your team.  See another great blog on the benefits of honesty here.

Listen to input.  You may “know best,” but be careful not to steamroll and stifle feedback from your team.  Who doesn’t want to feel heard?  I do – and so do your employees!  Be open to suggestions or feedback about policies, procedures, or the “standard” way of doing things.  There may be a win-win for everyone involved if you aren’t set on doing things your way.

Have empathy.  Even if your personality is not naturally empathetic, work to look at each situation from the other individual’s viewpoint.  Putting yourself in another’s shoes will likely influence what you do or say next.  People management is ultimately about you and your connection with another person.  There is always another side to any situation and, as a manager, you must be okay with the fact that people are flawed.  You probably won’t get “perfect” results right away – or perhaps ever.  Employing empathy can take patience and practice, but it will be worth the additional insight you’ll gain and also likely lead to better relationships with your staff members.

Try a few of these tips – perhaps starting with just one idea I shared in this blog – and see immediate improvement in your employee relationships and even their outlook on your role as manager and the firm.

How do you help your employees succeed as their manager?  What advice do you have for others who aren’t as adept in their skills as “person manager” yet?  Please post your thoughts, struggles, and ideas to benefit other readers.

Warm regards,

Krista Remer

Occasionally we will welcome guest authors who have relevant and inspiring ideas to share. This week we are proud to bring    you a post written by Patrick Spear, husband of our Sales and Marketing coordinator Lisa Spear. Patrick has over two decades  of sales and marketing experience in the consumer packaged goods industry, including seven years with the BIC Corporation,  seven years with Rubbermaid Home Products, and five years with Mapa Spontex.

I have some good friends – a husband and wife team, I’ll call them Tony and Kim – that own a very successful small business in Nashville.  Tony travels quite a bit, driving revenue and customer relationships, while Kim manages the office and the financials, and keeps the home and work “trains” running on time.  They have three terrific daughters, and all the scheduling challenges that school-age children represent.

Last week, Kim had to travel to the west coast for a multi-day trip in support of the business, while Tony held down the fort, both at work and at home.  I had to chuckle when I saw his Facebook post last Thursday night, which read, verbatim; “Ready for my working Mr. Mom status to be over.  Kim, you win.  You are the better half, and everyone knows it.”

As the husband of a very driven, very organized, and very accomplished wife and mother, it seems only appropriate, on the cusp of Mother’s Day, to recognize – and appreciate – the daily efforts of women like Kim, and my wife Lisa, who accomplish so much on a daily basis, both at work and at home.

Everyone’s busy, and the macro-economic challenges of the last few years have only reinforced that reality.  We all have to do more with less.  But working moms have an extra burden.  The pressures that come from caring about and nurturing the family unit, coupled with the demands of part and full-time work, magnify the demands that arrive with the morning alarm.

I can’t claim to know the secrets of success, nor can I offer any particular insights as to how working moms get it done.  Quite frankly, it amazes me.  I travel on a regular basis with my job, and I marvel at how smooth everything runs in my absence.  That’s not to say it’s easy, but Lisa, and I suspect our friend Kim, like all working moms, have a knack that is apparently hard wired.

Seminars and books about time management and multi-tasking abound, and we’re always only one visit away from the iTunes store and the latest list-making, time-tracking, task-managing app that promises liberation from the scheduling stress our daily lives foist upon our order-craving selves.  But working mom’s have been getting it done for more multiple generations, so these latest tools are just the latest spin.

As we welcome the month of May, with Mother’s Day right around the corner, let’s take a moment to appreciate all the mom’s who make it look so easy, without any software gimmicks, or how-to books, while guys like me search for a miracle time management cure and the latest “how-to” gizmo to get us through our work week.  Said differently, “Thank you for making it look so easy, when we all know it isn’t.”

Looking for ways to make managing your life a little easier?  Take the ConvergenceCoaching Time Management self-study course at www.convergencelearning.com and try these resources:

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/main/newMN_HTE.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/time-management/wl00048

Happy Mother’s Day!

- Patrick

In the CPA profession, there is so much to do all the time.  The pace never seems to slow down and it can be overwhelming.  Even in the “slower” post-busy season period, with the intensity of the April 17^th filing deadline behind us, there are still many things to do. In no particular order, now is the time to:

• Finalize time reporting  and billing
• Respond to emails
• Clean our desks and offices
• Plan and organize our work for the summer
• Reset and refocus our personal goals
• Develop deeper client relationships
• Reconnect with family and friends
• Plan business development and marketing activities
• Rest and recover physically, mentally spiritually

Now is also the time to invest in your people by providing feedback, mentoring and career counseling, training programs in both technical and soft-skills, and communication of your plans for their future. 

Where does people development fall on your list?  I doubt that you deliberately write it last on your “to do’s” or say that people development isn’t important.  But somehow, people development often ends up in last place behind all the other items listed above.

Why is this? Here are my top three reasons:

1. You don’t know what to say to your people or how to say it
2. You feel hypocritical because you’re not consistently leading by example
3. You’re too busy and just don’t have time

Not knowing what to say or how to say it. This is clearly a barrier to effective people development, but one that can be overcome with training and practice.  Start by developing a positive mindset that communicating with “straight talk” is a gift that comes from a place of care and concern with the intention of inspiring them to success.  This is especially important when performance improvement is needed. Learn how to use a format like “expectation, observation, inquiry” or “keep, stop start” to organize your thoughts and message.  Finally, practice your listening skills and develop understanding before agreeing on solutions and next steps.  For more on “straight talk” refer to my colleague Tamera’s blog entitled “The Gift of Truth”.

Not leading by example. Often, avoidance of people development conversations results from a failure to clearly communicate performance expectations to your people in advance.  Leaders need to take 100% responsibility for this lack of communication around expectations, and use the opportunity to discuss and establish goals for the next evaluation period.  People development conversations are even more difficult when you’re not leading by example with your own performance.  But avoiding the conversation will not make your performance better or restore the trust gap that has been created.  Deliver the feedback anyway, acknowledging that you have been lacking in this area, too.  Then commit to improve together.

Too busy and not enough time.  Take a serious look at what activities are taking priority over people development, because whatever you’re consistently working at reflects what is most important to you.  What business are you in?  Is it providing attest services, tax services, or business advisory services to clients? Have you considered the possibility that we are really in the business of developing people?  It’s a “chicken or egg” type of question to ponder, but it’s clear that without talented, trained, motivated, “on board” people –we cannot successfully serve clients, retain clients, develop new clients, grow the business or sustain it for the long term.

What if you turned your “to do” list upside down and began to live like you’re in the business of developing people?  What would that look like?  Are you willing to try it? What are you afraid of?

We will continue to help our clients succeed by asking “What Business Are You In?” If you have ideas or experiences to share on this subject please post them so others can benefit.

Best regards,
Jack

“One of the things we desperately need is a spiritual renewal in this country. We need a spiritual revival in America.” -Billy Graham

With the spring tax filing season successfully behind us, we each have an opportunity to start fresh and focus our energies on renewing our body, mind and spirit for the important tasks that lie ahead.

The concept of renewal is not only a religious or spiritual idea, but is also an organic one, born out of nature.  Spring is the ultimate teacher on renewal and we have the privilege of learning from it each year.  With the unfurling of new baby leaves, the emergence of the tulips and daffodils and the return of warm weather, our spirits are lifted and we can begin to imagine all of the wonderful possibilities that lie ahead.

So, what are the wonderful possibilities that lie ahead for you?  Consider these post-busy season renewal activities to help you recharge your batteries, rev up your motivation engine and heal any emotional “injuries” you’ve incurred in the “battle” of busy season so that you can see and seize the possibilities in your future:

• Get some rest – really!  Take a few days off and really rest.  Sleep in, take naps, schedule a massage, and take a genuine break from the phone, e-mail, your Droid or iPhone.  Consider taking a “no day” where you say no to everything and stay home and do nothing but rest.  Obviously, this takes planning and ensuring that your responsibilities at work are covered, but real rest will help you recharge and will do wonders for your outlook and sense of well-being.
• Imagine all of the fun you’re going to have in the coming months (and then start having it). On the personal side, it may be golf, swimming, tennis, gardening, biking, or a family vacation, the list of possible fun activities is endless.  I look forward to building and tending my flower gardens (I’m sure this will be my best flower year ever!), hanging out more with my children once they’re out of school and I am thrilled to be deep into the outdoor running and race training , too.  What is your list of personal fun “to do’s”?  Football hero Tony Dorsett said, “to succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.”  Imagining (and then doing) your list of fun things can help motivate, inspire and renew you so that you can refocus your energies and come back to your work stronger and more apt to succeed.
• Contemplate your disappointments and upsets and then get over them.  Forgive yourself for any “less than” performance you’ve had recently and ask forgiveness of anyone who may have been impacted by your mistakes, grouchy behavior or other misdeeds.  Let go of grudges and jump on those important “clean up” conversations that need to be had.  Approach those who disappointed you with honest, collaborative conflict conversations (access our online Conflict course or e-book at www.convergencelearning.com) and then forgive them their trespasses so you can move on, too.  “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom” according to Hannah Arendt.  You’re paying an emotional (and unnecessary) price for nursing your wounds and you’ll be shocked by how much more energy you’ll have when you resolve them.

When you’ve rested, played (or planned for play) and forgiven, you’ll be ready to generate your list of exciting professional possibilities.  Spring and summer are the seasons of proactivity in our profession – the time when you can develop and implement new strategies for success. Possibilities in your work life may include reorganizing your office, retooling your team, re-engaging with your partners, reconnecting with clients or realizing growth through an increase in networking, referral marketing and other business development activities.  Whatever your proactive possibilities may be, write them down and establish by-when dates for each to ensure that you are able to enthusiastically make hay while the sun shines.

So, what are your immediate plans after busy season?  What do you do to recharge and renew?  What proactive professional activities do you envision for this spring and summer?  Please share your plans and ideas so that others can benefit!

Gratefully,

This popular post-April 15 blog from 2009 was updated and posted today because of its relevance to our many readers.  Congratulations on the close of traditional busy season!

On January 1st, I set goals for myself with three different projects. Subsequently, each project has created even more work than I had anticipated. In my excitement over the response, I tried to complete them all at the same time, which resulted in my feeling overworked, neglecting elements of my personal life, and having less energy to give to each project. I missed deadlines, felt irritated when asked to make changes, and looked for ways to get out of my commitments. I had “too much of a good thing!” Instead of being stuck with the negative impacts, I reminded myself of the blessings, initial energy, and results I had set out to achieve.

I remembered from my Myers-Briggs personality assessment how much I love to be the “initiator.” The beginning phase of each project is exciting and creative for me. I love that part! Getting down to brass tacks is more difficult for me. It involves time-lining, writing reports and making phone calls to keep each project going. I also have to manage my time to fit in related meetings, individual follow-up conversations and respond to e-mails related to each project. This kind of activity has me lose the vim and vigor of the initial excitement at the beginning of each project. I am busy, but I became bored and tired.

To address my feeling of overload and reignite my passion for each project, I took the following steps that you might find helpful when you get stuck in the mundane aspects of a once-exciting project or are blessed with many all at one time:

1. Re-prioritize. Figure out what needs to be done NOW and update the timeline so you can schedule the rest of the activities required for each project. Reset expectations if necessary on the new delivery dates. Get help . Perhaps the project is too big for one person. Who else in the organization or in your community could help? Ask for their help and delegate some of the work.

2. Plan interim evaluations. This has helped me to let go of the feeling that nothing was getting accomplished. It isn’t all done yet but it is well on the way and I am achieving the milestones I established in my timeline.

3. Finish projects before going on to the next thing – or at least some of them! We “initiators” like to start things. The challenge is to hang in there until it’s complete and not leave loose ends while balancing taking on new projects that we can work on when we complete the others.

4. Acknowledge myself and others for a job well done throughout the process and celebrate the results at the end of the project.

I am still in the process of managing these projects successfully. If I reach another snag, I will revisit my own instructions. I set out to create an abundance of work. I got what I asked for and more. Now, my challenge is to become as successful at completion as I am at initiation. Too much of a good thing can turn out to be just enough.

Do you tend to get lost in the middle of getting things done when so much comes at once? How do you handle it? I’d like to hear from you and share your thoughts with our readers.

With Warm Regards,
Sylvia

When my clients share their relationship challenges with me, I often find myself saying, “If I was that other person that you are challenged with, I would want to know this!”  The people you have relationship issues want to know:

-        That they made the same mistake on virtually every tax return over the last two months.

-        What they think passes for humor is actually annoying you or even hurting your feelings.

-        That they disappointed you with their prospect follow up and the proposal they sent out because it was last minute and was too boilerplate instead of customized to that prospect’s individual situation.

-        That their time management habits are impacting your ability to get your job done.

-        That you’re frustrated that they keep coming into your office to “vent” taking up your time and that you feel that there is nothing you can do about the situation.

-        That you’re feeling resentful because of what seems to a disproportionate workload that you’re carrying compared to them and you’re not sure why.

-        And the list of relational complaints goes on.

Instead of telling the other person about the mistake, disappointment, frustration or unworkability that we experience, we often “excuse” it by saying it’s just their personality so it won’t change, we’re too busy and tensions are too high to address it right now (and then later, we don’t address it because it’s too far gone),, or we’ve tried to address it and nothing changes.

“The gift of truth excels all other gifts.”  ~Buddha

To drive real change, we have to be willing to tell the truth.  Most of us, however, don’t really tell the truth.  Some of us completely avoid it while others “try” to communicate their disappointment, but what was actually said was wishy-washy with words like “I kinda wish you would…” “it would be nice if you…” “maybe next time if you could consider this…”  “it sort of bothered me that…” The reason we speak like this is because we’re afraid we’re going to hurt the other person’s feelings or make them angry at us, somehow jeopardizing our relationship.

Instead, when the truth gets told, just the opposite occurs.  People do want to get better and typically are not doing things just to irritate us or make our life harder.  But, we have to be specific in our communication and come from genuine care and concern for the other individual – for their growth, success and interests – so that change does occur.  And, when we talk straight we can truly discern if change is not going to occur and then take action accordingly.  I shared a four-part approach (expectation, observation, inquiry, stop) that we teach to talk straight and generate collaborative solutions in my blog The Gift of Truth that I encourage you to read and practice it.  Using this four-part approach will give you the confidence and power you need to have the conversations you may be avoiding so you can realize new results in your relationships, projects and client engagements.

I don’t ever want to be the person questioning, “Why didn’t you tell me?” about my performance or our relationship.  I would want to know – and I think you would want to know, too.  So, why put off sharing that “thing” that would help someone else get better, strengthen your relationship or increase your productivity and the results you produce together?  Who will you talk to today?   Share with us so we can empower each other in speaking the truth and making our firms great places to work, grow and thrive!

Warmly,

Tamera

www.convergencecoaching.com

Overcoming Stress With The Power of Friendship

As I post this blog, my family and I are 3 months away from moving to San Antonio, Texas courtesy of the U.S. Air Force.  My husband, Brian, will relinquish command of the squadron he has led for the last two years and we will be off on another adventure.

Two years ago, as they shook hands after Brian’s change of command, I remember the look on the outgoing commander’s face.  I thought to myself, “He looks like he is going to cry.”  I wonder if he did once he got in the car, and I wonder how Brian will handle it when the time comes. Will he cry? Will he pine for his old job?  Will he leap for joy that the pressure of command is off?  I suspect all emotions will bubble up at one point or another.

You see, every move we make comes with a little period of grief as we say goodbye to the friends we have made and the life we carved out for ourselves in our temporary home.  But it also comes with excitement and adventure – to see new things and immerse ourselves in the new culture. We try to focus on the future and to encourage our children to see all of the wonderful possibilities ahead  To do otherwise is damaging to the spirit and downright painful.

According to the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, changing residence falls in the middle-to-lower half of the scale. But when I add up all of the other items that go along with it (changing schools, church activities, social activities, responsibilities at work, and living conditions, etc.) it adds up to a lot!   It can be incredibly stressful for the entire family and though we have done it many times now, each move presents unique challenges and opportunities for each member of our family. Even the dog!

So, how do we deal with major upheaval in our lives?   Some will tell you it is about all about your personality type but dealing with stress successfully can be learned – as my colleague Tamera recently taught in her Positivity webinar (click here to access the recording).  And, from my own personal experience, cultivating friends and asking for SUPPORT is a major factor.  At least, it has been in my life.

Brian and I are embarking on our 10^th move in 18 years. For our children, it is their 6^th move in 12 years. I know I could not have gotten through it without the support and help of key people in my life: my Mom, of course, and Brian, and the friends I have made along the way.  But I have one key person who has pulled me up, shook me off and encouraged me: her name is Ashley.  She came into my life a relatively short time ago (6 years) but I think I was blessed to meet her when I did.

Together, we have supported each other through her moves to England and then Germany, my move to Washington D.C., Florida, and now, Texas; her husband’s command tour and my husband command tour (not an easy period for any family); pre-teen angst, aging parents; and the death of beloved pets.

Suffice it to say – we have made it through a lot together in the short time we have been friends.  She is my go-to person and I am hers.  I can call her and vent and she can do the same with me.  Invariably, we end up laughing.  She knows exactly what I am going through and she doesn’t judge me or how I handle a given situation.  But she will tell me when I have my head in a more “southerly” location and will gently encourage me to change my viewpoint.  We all need that, and many of us need to hear it from someone other than our spouse/partner or co-worker.

Friends – especially good friends – can be hard to find and even harder to keep.  With our lives being so busy with each of us are trying to keep up with our ‘to do’ lists, it is easy to lose touch and eventually, lose our friendships altogether.

But friends can also be your most important support system, stress relief and mood lifter.   I hope you have someone – or a group of people – who act as your support system in life.  And, I hope you thank them for their support, love and friendship. We all need a shoulder to lean on from time to time.

I also hope that YOU are the support person for someone as well; that your shoulders prop them up!   Being the supporter is a higher calling and deepens our relationship with the person we are comforting and sometimes being the rock for someone else gives us the strength to be the rock for ourselves, too.

I once heard a great quote at a leadership class for military spouses: “Pain shared is pain divided.  Joy shared is joy multiplied.”  Share both the good and the bad when you are the one “leaning” and be receptive and supportive when you are the “shoulder.”

We need each other! Now, I challenge you to go and tell those special supporters in your life how much you appreciate them!

Best,

Amy

Back room conversations, water cooler chatter, gossip.  They all refer to the same negative behavior we’ve all experienced and have probably taken part in at one point or another.  This behavior is called triangulation: when you go to someone other than the person you have a conflict with to complain about the conflict and the other person.

It’s natural to want to talk about our problems with others and look for comfort or validation of our “rightness,” but when it involves a third party, partaking in gossip will simply erode trust, damage friendships, soil your professional image, and induce negative morale.  Triangulation almost always causes someone to think, “If you are talking about so-and-so in this way, how do I know you don’t complain about me, too?”

Sometimes triangulating may seem like a great way to let off steam or even avoid a conversation with the other person in the hope that you’ll feel better after venting.  But avoiding the conflict by discussing it with an unrelated individual can really harm the relationship – both with the person you confide in and the person you communicate around.  You might argue that you don’t really have a “relationship” with the individual “at fault,” but in some capacity they must impact your life – whether as a colleague, supervisor, subordinate, or client – so getting “right” with each other has many benefits.

For starters, having an honest conversation can be cathartic.  Getting the issue off your chest with the intent to resolve it takes a weight off your mind and clears your “space” for positive feelings and energy.

Second, sharing your true hurt, anger, or frustration with another person (when done in a way that doesn’t place blame) shows a commitment to that person and your relationship with them.  It also reveals your character as being authentic and honest and displays much more integrity than gossip does.

Having a conversation may also reveal more information that will help you understand the individual, their situation, and perhaps why they behave in the way they do that causes you frustration or anger.  They, in turn, might never have been told that their behavior affects others in this way and could be grateful for the care you took to explain your feelings to them.  This may also incent them to make changes to address your concerns.

More importantly, if you are going to a third party instead of the individual with whom you have a conflict, you won’t ever generate a long-term solution because you won’t be able to resolve the true issue.

In some cases, you may need to go to your manager or another person’s manager because the issue itself requires their involvement, you need guidance about how to handle the situation, or because you have tried to resolve it yourself to no avail.  This is not triangulation because you are committed to resolve the conflict yourself but need additional help to do so.

Triangulation can be purposeful and spiteful, but it can also simply be a bad habit.  If you recognize yourself in this blog, consider committing to stop yourself the next time you begin an unhealthy conversation with someone about another individual – or refuse to engage the next time another individual starts to triangulate with you.  Then, work to resolve the complaints or issues constructively with the right person and encourage your “triangulation friends” to do the same.

Do you believe your team or teamwork suffers because of office gossip or frequent complaints?  Do you find yourself involved in these conversations with others – when you know you shouldn’t be?  Please share your story and your commitments with us so we can support you!

For more information on this topic and a proven conflict management strategy you can use to share your feelings and resolve conflicts in your life (at home, too!), download our Straight Talk Your Way to Success e-book or enroll in our self-study course, Managing Difficult Conversations Successfully, at www.convergencelearning.com.

Warm regards,

Krista Remer

You have a wealth of knowledge, experience, and insight.  If you share these things in a positive manner, your clients will be more loyal, prospective clients will be more likely to do business with you, and your colleagues and co-workers will respect you and enjoy working with and learning from you. But, if you share what you know in the wrong way, these same people may think you’re arrogant or condescending.  Some of us unknowingly alienate people because we are in a hurry, prefer to keep our knowledge to ourselves, or are so focused on demonstrating our knowledge that we do so in a way that gives people the impression that we think we are superior.

When you communicate your knowledge, experience, and expertise with people, you have an opportunity to impress and endear them to you.  How you are perceived by people when answering questions and sharing your expertise hinges on the following three key aspects of your communication style:

1)     Word Choice – It is no wonder that most people are afraid to ask questions for fear that they will look stupid, be ridiculed or otherwise be embarrassed.  Yet most of us don’t make a conscious effort NOT to make people feel that way.  You can stand out from the crowd and endear people to you by simply injecting certain words into your answers and explanations and eliminating others.

Words and phrases to avoid include:

• “Obviously” (Especially when said with an air of superiority)
• “Of Course” (When said as if what has been shared is common knowledge that everyone should already know)
• “It’s really not that hard to understand”  (When said in a frustrated voice and possibly injecting some head shaking action)
• “What do you mean?”  (When said with slanted eyebrows and a perplexed look that says to the other person, “You are not formulating a logical question”)

Words to use include:

• “That’s a great question”
• “I’m glad you asked”
• “Good point, let me elaborate on that for you”

2)     Tone of Voice – As you can tell by the notes in parenthesis for the words and phrases to use and avoid, tone of voice makes a world of difference in how you are perceived.  It is for this reason that this aspect of your communication style makes the biggest impact on whether or not people perceive you as being knowledgeable and genuinely interested in sharing your knowledge or as knowledgeable and more concerned about moving on with your life or being seen as “smarter” or otherwise superior.  You can improve your ability to build trust, understanding and rapport with others by consciously choosing to use a tone of voice that demonstrates:

• Compassion
• Genuine concern for the education of others
• Patience
• Willingness to see things from other points of view
• Willingness to reflect on how it felt before you knew what you know now
• Gratitude for the opportunity to share your knowledge with others

Most of us communicate on a daily basis without paying much attention to our tone of voice.  We may use a “default” voice and sound sad, rushed, or upset even when we are none of these.  You can increase your chances of making a positive imprint on people by making conscious decisions about your tone of voice.  You can begin by practicing using different tones of voice to relay the same information.  Start by practicing in your car on your way to and from work.  You can even record yourself and listen to the playback.  This can be an invaluable tool as most of us don’t realize how we sound to others.  Then, you can start practicing with real people and pay close attention to how they respond to various tones.  As you do, you will become more masterful at encouraging, educating and supporting people.

3)     Body Language – In addition to your tone of voice, your body language speaks volumes about your true thoughts and intentions.  It is almost more important than the actual words that you use, and it can definitely detract from the impact you intend your words to have.  Here are some tips for using your body language to make a positive impression:

Behaviors to Avoid:

• Looking at the clock, your watch, or your phone
• Multitasking (checking e-mail or organizing your files while you talk)
• Crossing your arms
• Rolling your eyes or making faces that indicate irritation with what the other person is saying or asking

Behaviors to Adopt:

• Consistent eye contact
• Relaxed posture
• Facing your body towards the other person
• Nodding your head to indicate understanding and that you’re following along
• Smiling

The most successful people in the world know how to communicate with others and make them feel like a million bucks!  Most of them communicate in a way that makes it look easy, but it is anything but!  It takes practice, awareness, patience, and most importantly a genuine interest in seeing others improve and grow.  You can use these communication strategies during client interactions, networking events, company meetings, performance reviews and training sessions, whether in a group setting or one on one.

When you achieve communication mastery in all three of these areas, you will be amazed at how people respond to you and how grateful they are to you for sharing your time, energy, and knowledge with them.  When positive and engaging body language, tone of voice and word choice all come together, you are bound to make a lasting positive impression.  Which area will you focus on first to enhance your communication? I suggest that you start with the one that comes hardest to you.  Challenge yourself.  Let me know which area challenges you the most, keep me posted on your progress, and let me know if there is anything I can do to support you in your quest to make a difference for your clients, prospects, and colleagues!

Best regards,

Michelle Baca